Frontline Vol. 5: Let me put you up on some game.

Now most blogs I write are about my observations not advice. Mainly because I think people generally deserved to be laughed at as often as possible. Right now, I am feeling all sorts of generous inside and I am going to give some good advice on shit that comes up on my radar on the regular.

Bar Fighting

While bouncing, I had my fair share of “work related incidents” and I believe have a sure fire way of serving up beat downs with little repercussions from the boys in black. Now, keep in mind this advice is not about how to avoid but how to succeed in fighting in the club without getting sprayed with mace or beat up yourself.

1. Tell the bouncer about the guy you are going to hit

Now this on the surface only looks like a bitch move. What this does is create the image of you not wanting to cause trouble because you told the bouncer. Now the bouncer will almost immediately go and approach the individual and make some small talk in a non accusatory tone and non-verbally establish the fact that he is in fact watching you.

2. Get in the above mentioned face.

See, now this move is important because you have already established that you have a problem and the bouncer has all ready non-verbally said he is watching the guy you plan on hitting. You all will be separated and threatened with being thrown out if you keep up with the bull shit. Now this is where you back up, cause after all you want to maintain the rapport, that you have cultivated with the security.

3. HIT THAT MUTHAFUCKA!!!!!!!

Seriously, if you wait five minutes or twenty-five, the bouncers have been watching the whole time and they all will wait for the shit to go down instead of stopping it before, so you seriously have at least fifteen to twenty seconds and if you need more than that for a club fight, I suggest you stop reading right now.

4. Stop when they show up

This is where people fuck up royally. You are not going to win against the bouncers, and you will lose any good standing you had with them. So the best bet is to stop. Lets be honest, if you follow this to the letter the guy you hit will not have a chance to hit you back. Now, feel free to yell shit like “I TOLD HIS ASS” and “I TOLD YALL WHAT I WAS GON DO” etc.

5. Leave Immediately
Cops that are not in the parking lot will take at least ten to fifteen minutes to arrive, so if you are gone before then guess who is not going to jail. Also, if you are in fact leaving, then they are not going to touch you. Matter of fact, you can continue to talk shit, buy saying stuff like “DON’T FUCKIN TOUCH ME” and “DON’T PUT YOUR DAMN HANDS ON ME” because in the end, you are merely attempting to leave under your own authority.

Seriously, you didn’t think you were going to stay? You only get to stay when you are friends with the bouncer previous to them being bouncers.

Seriously, follow this to the letter and unless you have no hand craft whatsoever, you will be an unstoppable force in the bar fighting scene without the reputation for being a trouble maker.

FACT


Moving on, lets say for some strange reason the above written guide did not work for you and you are in fact being beaten or dragged by bouncers you need something to fall back onto to make sure that you take as little punishment as possible.

1. Yell out loud that you are bleeding

See there is a distinct difference between having blood get on you and knowing that a person is bleeding. Most bouncers deal with the scum of the nightclub/bar scene on a daily basis and believe that most of them are hotbeds of communicable diseases, and they are probably right.

2. While they are all grabbing you, say you have an STD

From a young age we are all taught that cooties are bad. Well that is still the case, and herpes is easily the worse set of cooties that two circles and two dots can’t protect you from. So if you are in a fight with security, just utter these words, and watch them back right off.

Those are pretty much your best options for receiving the least amount of punches to the dome. Most people make the mistake of saying other things like “Do you know who my dad is” and “I am going to call the cops” and all sorts of stuff that is really doesn’t mean shit.

So there you have it, the best most efficient way to cause trouble and not have to suffer the consequences.

*about the author

Kenneth “KenNitro” Graham has worked in security for longer than he wants to remember and has vivid memories of being paid late and not enough mostly. Sure you get to get in the parties free, but so what! Either way, I have seen stuff that was stupid and some that was just awesome, as it relates to people trying to punch other people. Do this at your own risk. If it works, I won’t be surprised, if it doesn’t, it is prolly because you are a dumbass!

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